thats me, hiding under the bed.

***I want to stay here, frozen in time, for just a bit longer***

When I was little I always looked forward to my birthday; I wanted to grow up. My birthday was the best day of the year and each year on September 9th, I felt that another freedom was granted to me. Being older meant a later bedtime, a later curfew, getting my ears pierced, dating, driving; all the stuff a kid looks forward too. Now that I'm "older" I just want it all to slow down. In exactly 20 days I move back to Provo. I'm really scared. 2 semesters ago when I moved out of my house as a freshman, I was giddy with anticipation. Now I'm nothing but a bundle of nerves. I have a lot to do before I'm ready to go, but I don't feel ready to do it. I don't want to have to cross things off my to-do list, I don't want to pack up my room-yet again, and move into a new place, I don't want to have to cook for myself, I don't want to worry about cleaning a bathroom that strangers use, I don't want to worry about car maintenance and insurance, I don't want to feel obligated to get a job; my parents say I don't need one,  I don't want to leave my job here, I don't want to leave my friends here, I don't want to need new friends there, I don't want to go to a new ward, I don't want a new calling, I don't want to have to pick a major, I don't want to worry about studying and grades, I just don't want to go out of my comfort zone. 

I want to hide under my bed and pretend it's all just a game.

This whirlwind of insecurity is not something I am used to. I'm usually game for change, what's wrong?

***I want to stay here, frozen in time, for just a bit longer.***

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." 

You can bet this will be my motto as I enter the next couple of weeks. 

I don't know why I'm supposed to be back on campus for summer semester, but someone else does.