if you love me, kill me quickly

I did it. 

I had a room full of people at my apartment and I faked a phone call in order to get them all to leave.

Normally I wouldn't resort to such immature tactics, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Boy "A"who I previously thought was cute (bad lighting?) came over and I realized he actually wasn't cute and has ZERO personallity. Bummer. My original plan was to cut the evening short and do some studying, but Boy "A" asked if some of his friends could come over. We have a mutual friend who I think is the bees knees, so I decided that wasn't such a bad idea. Maybe there would be someone who knew how to carry on a conversation that I could talk to. Whelp, they could definitely do more than carry on a conversation. They laughed. A LOT. And it just so happens that the jokester of the group, Boy "B," has THE most annoying laugh EVER. And he thinks he is the funniest thing that has happened to this world since Chris Farley. Oh. My. GOSH. I don't know why, but every time he would laugh I would get a little more pissed off. I finally texted 2 of my friends and told them to walk into my apartment, say they need to talk, act sad and walk out. Unfortunately they were a little preoccupied so I resorted to the fake phone call. If someone's laugh makes you want to cut them, it's not a good sign. Laughter is supposed to bring joy into your life. Not high blood pressure and thoughts of teenage angst. 

Another post, not another day.

Funny Bunny Becca thought C-Sections and Cesarian Sections were different things. AND, she almost asked what the difference was during the middle of class. How great would that have been? Pretty great I'd say. She's good entertainment, that's why I'm friends with her :D 

This is too perfect. I am actually sitting next to Becca in the library right now and here is a run down of the last 30 seconds of my life:

Me: *Looking up, noticing someone

Becca: You think that boy's cute don't you...? ;)-This means she said it suggestively hahah

Me: Uhm...nope....HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH that is my friend's husband....AHAHAH

Becca: Oh...Well you were staring at him for like 5 whole seconds, so I thought just maybe...

Me: Nope

That one time...? You know, the one where I about burned my apartment down?

Come one, come all! To the the freak show that is Jefferson 35.
If you live in Liberty Square and are within smelling distance of Jefferson, I apologize.

Last Friday I was a bit of a loser. Rather than hanging out after work I did homework, went to the mall, and went on a run. When I left my apartment everything was great. When I came back....SO not the case. It smelled horrible. Probably the most rancid thing ever. How do I explain the smell?
Let's try burning milk and cupcakes mixed with sour metal?
Or toxins from a waste disposal plant.
I threw open the windows and left the door open too.
...and I followed that process up with a thorough spraying of Fabreeze.
I assumed one of my roommates burnt some food while I was out because naturally nothing else should be burning right? I checked all the rooms just to be safe. There weren't any straighteners left on, no burnt crisps left at the bottom of the oven...the microwave wasn't sparking...I thought I was losing my mind. With a scent that strong there has to be source. Friday ended...blah blah blah...my roommates could smell the burning too, but we all just assumed it was someone else who did the burning. It was never discussed. Haha you can tell we are really close right? Right.....? Eventually it didn't smell as bad.

Sunday rolls around and after dinner I decided it was time to start the dishwasher. So I did. A while later I walked out of my room and into the kitchen where it smelled like crap. AGAIN. Someone kill me pleeease. It was even worse than the first time! I noticed the room looked foggy, but then I realized "Wait a second, you're inside Rylie. There can't be fog inside...OH SHOOT! Rylie the dishwasher is smoking. It's smoking!!!! DO SOMETHING!" So naturally I turn to my roommate who has been sitting there the whole time the dishwasher was running and say, "How long has it been doing this?! Why didn't you stop it?!?!?!?!" While I'm running over, and yanking it open.

No joke guys, my eyes started watering, I started coughing and I even gagged a little.
Then I left.

I went next door to pay a visit to my friends, and you want to know what they said as I walked in?
"Whoa...what's that smell..?"
Not only did the dang dishwasher make my whole house smell, but it made me smell too! Lauren attacked ME with Fabreeze, and only after was I allowed to stay....Blah blah blah...we played catch phrase...blah...threw candy corns at the fan...blah blah blah blah blah...ate pumpkin cookies...and then, this guy Mike walked in. "Hey guys! Guess what? hahahahahahah some girl next door melted a giant spoon in the dishwasher!"

Simultaneously...
Me: Uh...WHAT?! Spoon? That's my apartment?***Run back home***
Everyone else: Looks at me, bursts out laughing and follow me to my apartment.
These noobs hadn't come into contact with the full force of the smell so they had a nice surprise when they walked in. Serves them right for laughing ;)

So...there's the spoon. Or what used to be the spoon. No it's not a little plastic spoon you use to eat apple sauce. This is a big serving spoon. Lot's more plastic to melt. As soon as I saw this it all came flooding back go me. That was MY spoon. Should I even admit that...? One day I was unloading my dishes and it fell off the rack and landed in the bottom of the dishwasher. At the time I had a lot of stuff in my hands so I told myself I'd pick it up after I put the dishes away. Apparently I have short term memory loss or something because 30 seconds later, I had already forgotten. Awesome.

In case you've been skimming ****READ THIS****
The main point of this blog post is: I dropped a spoon in the dishwasher, the dishwasher melted said spoon, toxins were produced and now my plastic dishes are embedded with nastyness that can't be washed out, I made the entire 3rd floor smell-not just my dishes, and I also broke...? the dishwasher. Something is wrong with it because it has not drained out any water since the melting incident...So, if you would like to help my cause don't tell me I smell bad/weird/revolting because I can't afford to wash my entire closet. Also, any dishes or plastic serving spoons you could afford to send my way would be much appreciated. Mom? Dad? :)

a precise formula

all it takes
is a postcard and a witty line
and you have yourself some even stevens

i wish i could say it was harder

Alittletoomuchtohandle

WhoooWee. Let me catch you up on the haps.

1. My birthday was terrific. Olive garden (I later stepped on my leftovers and was successful in smashing them), cheered on "Husband" in his flag football game, ice cream party. I love my friends.
                     Side note #1: I don't actually have a husband. He just happens to be my very cute FHE partner who shares my birthday and is also from Bountiful.
                     Side note #2: I love the fact that this year is all about games. Freshman year we were always looking for something to do, somewhere to go, or some new way to spend our precious money. Not this year! Signs, smurf, catch phrase, and picture word. Nuff said

2. Yesterday was probably the longest day of my life. I got out of class at noon and was at work by 12:30. My plan was to lock up at 6, hit the gym, and work on homework the rest of the night. Unfortunately, it wasn't in the cards. I ended up staying at work until about 8:30. On the up side, I get paid for OT. I was doing fine until my fellow worker man arrived. He was feeling stressed about, econ, getting time off so he can fly to Mesa to ask his girlfriend's dad permission to marry her, getting too many hours, hemming gray pants, opening tomorrow by HIMSELF-he's somewhat new and still isn't completely comfortable with everything, the fact that most of our special orders hadn't arrived so there would be a mother load of tuxes to assemble and have ready by 3. Blah blah blah blah blah. By the end of the night I was feeling so much stress, anxiety and tension that I thought I was going to explode. I hate it when other people's stress makes you stressed. So...I went on run.

3. One of my most embarrassing moments involves a boy from EFY. Said boy goes to BYU now. I saw said boy and attempted to carry on a conversation with him. It didn't work. Images of a blue snow cone kept flashing across my mind.

4. My sister is fuhhhhh-neeeeey. I hate steering wheel covers with a passion. I think they are tacky and I could dedicate an entire blog post to how much I dislike them. *probably will. Anyway, Hannah bought me a fuzzy pink steering wheel cover for my birthday and it was the funniest thing ever.

5. if you go on a date with a boy and you don't remember telling him your last name and a week later he adds you on facebook that means that he was thinking about you for at least 30 seconds in order to stalk you down right even though its facebook its kinda cool to think about someone thinking about you even if they have the attention span of a squirrel i'm not making that up he told me so himself

stream of consciousness

kind of

6. I'm going to go do homework now. 

Get this.
On Saturday night Lauren and I hit up Smith's to do some last minute grocery shopping. Lou needed some "non-refridgerated" juice so we ended up on the isle that has all the sodas and such. I was walking along, minding my own business, when out of the corner of my eye I see a grown woman-probably early 20's, take a Gatorade off the shelf, open it, and start drinking. Um....? Does she realize that she is not a 3 year old eating Rolo's off the shelf in the check out line where her mommy can pay for them...? What made it even funnier was that this girl looked like she could be someones relief society president. She was all done up, and did NOT look like a petty thief. As we were going around the corner I noticed her going for another one (blue this time) and I told Lauren to check it out. She did, we had our laughs, and moved on to the produce. When we got to the check out line, guess who was there? The dehydrated Gatorade thief. I really started to panic in my mind. Me and Lauren just looked at each other like, "Is this seriously happening right now?!"I think we both assumed she got thirsty and couldn't wait to get a drink, so she took a sip but would pay for it later. Nope. No Gatorade in sight. Words escaped me. This lady, with her husband by her side at this point, just stole 2 drinks. Did she think it wasn't stealing because she didn't take the container out of the store? I really would love to know what was going through that mind of hers. You have a car FULL of groceries ma'am. Is a couple dollars more going to make that big of a difference!? Lauren and I kept looking over at her and shaking our heads. We really didn't know what to do! This person looked like a model citizen, not a thief. So...we didn't do anything. I'm going to rationalize our inaction now. What if she told them about the drinks and paid for them but just didn't want to take empty bottles home? That would make sense right? Anyway, it was a lot more intense than it sounds in the moment. I was somewhat pissed and had another one of those "Who do you think you are?!" moments. The end.

Inconvienient places to have an itch...

1) The area surrounding a scab or otherwise gaping flesh wound.
2) Your palms. It is IMPOSSIBLE to satisfy a palm itch no matter how long your nails are or how long you scratch.
3) The bottoms of your feet when your wearing tennis shoes and socks. While running. You end up kind of hobbling because you think if you put less pressure on your foot it won't itch anymore. When that doesn't work you stomp because maybe it's really the other way around. The MORE pressure you put on it the better it will be. When all else fails you try "kicking"-it's more like a leg spasm off to the side, when your foot comes off the ground because maybe there is something in your sock and it will magically disappear if you can get it to shift around slightly.
4) Your eyes. Once you itch them there is no going back. You keep itching and itching and next thing you know your contacts are jacked, your eyes are watering and you are one hot mess.